Here's to More

Work is fine. School is okay. I have a car. I got into an accident last month, but it's all fine (Driving? Can't sleep at night knowing you have to put your life in your hands in the dark to get to school? You just gotta wait wait wait. Never risk getting from the parking lot to road if you have any question about that truck going 45 and getting bigger from up the horizon your way.).

I'm trying to make a routine of things. Between the work and resisting the urges to leave school early just because I can now, there's all these I dunno, I suppose "abscesses of time" if that makes any sense. I honestly wish there was no time in between anything anymore because I just have no idea what to do.

It was a little weird over winter break. I sat parked out by an empty volleyball field and asked myself Where should I go where should I go for about half an hour (I didn't really just admit that God). I had a lot of adjustments to make over winter break.

But now it's spring break and I know exactly what I'm going to do. Plan, check, routine, consistence. I've been chasing opportunities from there here-and-there less sporadically now that I've got a free period at school. And here's the kicker- something actually came out of it.

Actual email from an editor. The biggest feedback I've ever had up until this month is the standard, cut-copy rejection notice, never mind an entire email that said, all-caps, "YOU HAVE A GIFT!".

And I'm not exaggerating. Perhaps a bit egotistical, but this is the straight truth. He did say that. I wish I could take it and really feel that back, but I don't know. That's putting more stock into my pretentions than I'm comfortable with.

It'll seem like I'm adding more onto that- the pretentions- to say that this was not something I spent any more than an afternoon on. I flip between hints of pride and abject self-loathing each time I look at my name and my language and myself on there.

Not going to let myself think there'll be any more to it. Waiting to hear back on one other thing but I think I'll get through it best to say "it won't" even though I actually take whole showers just hoping about it.

We'll see.