Hi.
I've had a bit of a block. I think. I don't know. I watch that fucking vertical line blink in and out on the screen. Seriously, fuck that thing. I always feel like it's waiting for something that I can't do.
High school is almost over. I'm never going to see just about anybody from there ever again. It's this frantic, last-chance phase. People are hooking up, getting in fights, finally going to see that one movie or talk to that one kid. I'm not a part of any of it.
I feel like the ghost of someone who died a year or two ago, in that social sense. Maybe in that full sense, I don't know. I see people I used to drink with and giggle about the weekends and they won't even give me a glance to show that I'm still a person to them. What is it about me that has turned everyone away?
I must sound like I need some help. Well let me tell you- I'm fine. I'm just sick of seeing all these people beaming in FaceBook posts to a hundred heart-studded comments wishing them luck at their universities, fully funded a la pocket de Daddy.
Maybe it's because I didn't go to prom. I didn't go because it was too expensive, mostly. The other part is that I thought prom would just make it worse- puffy-faced girl in an overly modest dress and not enough makeup, hoping someone will talk to her and make her night. Yeah, no fucking thanks.
Okay, maybe I do need help. Maybe I can't run on only food, water, words, the occasional good sleep. Maybe I need that human interaction after all.
It's not like I don't talk to anybody. I think I have friends. It's just the fucking teenage angst social anxiety insecure self loathing shit. I can't even really articulate what's going on with me. Funny, I'm supposed to be the writer and I don't have any words. Ha.
I'm sure I'm fine.
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